So I was having a pretty miserable day and I certainly did not feel like going to homegroup this particular Wednesday, but I knew if I didn't go Ben would and I wouldn't get to see him much that day. Plus Evelyn loves going and I figured I could hide in Charity's room. So when we got there I said some quick hellos to a couple people, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone that I thought would see right through my fake smile and casual hellos and I ducked down the hall into Charity's room, where I found Charity and Katie S. engaged in conversation. They said I could come in, so I crashed face down on the bed and cried for awhile just listening to their conversation and feeling sorry for myself. I had become very good at throwing pity parties in my head and today was no exception. Beating myself up actually made me feel "kind of good", but not really. Anyway, their conversation started to get interesting so I added the two cents they didn't ask for but they were sweet and accepted me into their talk, but then they wanted to more closer to me and I just started feeling angry. I told them not to come too close or hug me because I would be sure to wrestle them and they obliged.
After sharing for awhile on all sides, I heard what I thought was my baby crying and I left for what I thought was going to be only a moment to check on him. When I got to the foyer I found a happy baby and Pastor Chris Leeper standing in the front living room. At that point I thought, 'I better turn around right now' but it was too late, Pastor Chris already saw me. So he looked at me and asked me how I was doing and I said I was struggling. He said where were you? and I told him I was in Charity's room and I was about to go back, I was just checking on Benjamin. Then he looked at me and told me I needed to go into the living room where Pastor Nathan Daniel was teaching. At that point I heard in my head, 'I'm a big one and I'm not coming out.' and I thought nope I'm not going in there. So Pastor Chris put his hand on my back to guide me into the other room and I stopped and said, "I'm going to go back to Charity's room" and he asked me why and I told him it was safe in there. Then he just looked at me and I knew, although I already really knew, that I needed to go into the other room.
When I got into the living room, it was pretty packed but my sweet hubby had a chair open, just waiting for me. Everyone had a packet of papers stapled together on their laps, reading along scriptures that Pastor Nathan had handed out to go along with his teaching. He is going to help us minister to the people who are going to be coming to a seminar he is set to teach about the deliverance of John Doe. Well, things were in full swing, so I snuck quietly around some friends and sat down next to Ben. This is where things started to get intense. I started feeling these weird urges and seeing little video images of myself in my mind screaming, tearing up the papers I now had in my hand and peeing all over myself. That's right I couldn't stop thinking about peeing on myself.
I started feeling really weirded out, however the strangest part was that I knew if I didn't say something or run out of the room immediately I would just start doing all these weird things I saw going on in my head, and let me tell you, the thought of peeing on myself in front of at least 15 people was not exciting. So being the quiet church mouse I tend to never be, ha ha ha, I raised my hand at the next semi-pause in Pastor Nathan's teaching and said, "Excuse me, but I'm having some really weird thoughts like I keep thinking of peeing all over myself and it's kind of freaking me out." So Pastor Nathan pulled his chair up to me and in true teaching style started using this moment to teach everyone around me about demonic influence. I thought to myself, I am THAT person, kind of excited but mostly nervous. Then Pastor Nathan told me to ask the demon what it's name was, so trusting him, I closed my eyes and said, 'what is your name?' and immediately I heard what sounded like my own voice in my head say, 'Rage'. Then Pastor Nathan told me to ask it what right it had to be here (what was it's foothold, opportunity or place, see Ephesians 4:17-27), so I did and it said, still inside my head, that I condemned my father for being angry all the time and yelling at us (kids). So Pastor Nathan started to lead me into forgiveness for holding this against my father, but as soon as I started to speak my tongue started to feel heavy and I couldn't make myself speak. When P. Nathan saw this he started to bind the spirit (Matt 16:19) but it seemed to get really angry, which we call manifesting, because I remember starting to rub my face in a weird way, which started getting harder and harder, but the rubbing turned to intense scratching and as Pastor Nathan, Pastor Chris and Ben among others were praying over me I felt myself recede while I felt something else take over and I don't really remember all that happened next except that I know I yelled that sounded more like a yell growl that I felt come up from the bottom of my feet and resonate through my entire body which was so forceful that my throat hurt for days.
Apparently I lunged forward and it took three people to put me on the ground. The next thing I remember was "waking up" on the ground with my left arm shaking and I was thinking to myself, I'm in shock, this is what shock feels like. Pastor Nathan was talking at this point but I don't remember anything he was saying, because like I said, I was in shock. Someone put a band-aid on one of the bleeding scratch marks on my forehead and someone else gave me a tissue because I was bleeding out my nose and it was starting to get on Charity's pretty white carpet. Pastor Nathan was talking, but at the same time I felt like I couldn't control my left arm, it was still shaking but it got so violent that it was hurting my wrist and I couldn't stop moving it. I cried out to make it stop because it hurt so Jessie D. started holding it down and Pastor Nathan bound what was on my wrist and prayed peace over it and it went still immediately. That was so cool.
At some point through this although I'm unclear to exactly when, P. Nathan lead me through forgiving my father for being so angry and breaking off the vow I had made in my heart to not be like him. It's okay to not want to be like that but I vowed not to be like him instead of declaring his ways unrighteous and deciding to follow Christ's ways instead.
The best part of this was after the demon came out, which is did, people started praying for me and asking God to have His truth go down in to my inward parts, to fill my heart and my mind. Some people I heard were praying for peace. Inside I was thinking, I'm glad that demon came out but I don't feel any different inside then I did before, I'm still upset, but then all of a sudden I heard the voice of the little girl in me say, 'God is real' and I was blown away, because not only did I not realize that I didn't really believe that until now, but I really believe it now and I just started laughing and laughing at how awesome that truth was. The last thing I thought was, now that was worth going through to hear this. God is REAL and needless to say I don't feel like wrestling Charity and Katie anymore.