God is so faithful, even when I think He is not going to be. This past Friday I had a counseling session with Pastor Chris and Wanda Daniel, Pastor Nathan's wife. I was hoping it would be good, but fearful that nothing would happen and God wouldn't show up. At the beginning of every counseling session we pray and invite the Holy Spirit to come and be the Counselor and to show us what we need to work on and what God wants to bring up. So as soon as we started to pray, I started to think those familiar thoughts like, God isn't going to show me anything, I'm not going to hear from Him, we're wasting our time. Then I heard one word... Brian. Immediately, I felt all hot inside and I was like NO WAY! (Now most people don't know who Brian is, he is my ex-husband. We were married for about 6 months in 2001.)
Knowing that I never think about this guy and that only God could have brought him to my mind, I kind of started laughing and Pastor Chris said, what? So I said that I felt like God wanted me to work on Brian but I really didn't want to. At that point Wanda started to encourage me, that we were already here and that they didn't think I was stupid, since that was one of the fears that I voiced. In a previous counseling session, Pastor Chris had told me that the little girl inside me that I won't let come out because I'm too afraid of being hurt will want to be set free and sometimes in my head when I see myself doing stuff that I know is going to make me feel better, but I'm too scared to do it, like scream into a pillow or cry my heart out, that I just need to do it anyway so I can set that little girl free in my heart. So this was difficult because I felt like beating him up because I felt so hurt and broken but I did not want to do that in front of anyone. After some encouragement, I felt like I could and Pastor Chris went to get a chair for Wanda to sit in so I could beat up on the couch, but I thought he got it for me because I was just imagining in my head standing up and hitting him with a pillow (a throw pillow from the couch) over and over again.
I stood up and I was nervous at first, but as soon as I let go and started screaming and hitting imaginary Brian in the chair with a pillow as hard as I could I kept on going. I screamed and I hit until I had no more energy left. Then I fell down on my knees and Wanda put my head on her lap and patted my head while I just sobbed and sobbed, getting all the hurt and pain out. The Pastor Chris had me "talk to" Brian and tell him all the stuff that I had been holding against him, all the ways I felt hurt by him and anything I was holding onto in my heart. This lasted awhile and a lot of stuff came up. I felt like I got most stuff out.
I sat back up on the couch and Pastor Chris asked me if I was ready to forgive Brian from my heart and I said no because I felt like there was still something down in there but I didn't know what it was. So Pastor Chris started praying and that's when I felt a demon starting to manifest. It was crazy because it wasn't like the other day when I couldn't really remember most of what was going on, I had some control over myself, which was nice. Pastor Chris asked what it's name or nature was and it started laughing, so he asked again and it said I'm not telling. I started praying. Then part of me tried to lunge at Pastor Chris and scratch him and the part of me I could control held me back and kept my bum glued to the couch as Pastor Chris kept asking what it's name was. Finally it said "worship of Brian". Then Pastor Chris asked how it came in and it said that when because Brian was the one to show me that Mormonism wasn't true, after I had been Mormon for so long, I started to worship him as my savior without knowing it.
This truth floored me and it made so much sense to me. We prayed and I got set free from that demon. Then Pastor Chris lead me to forgive him and I felt like I had forgiven him a lot, but not all the way and I was wondering if I ever could forgive him all the way, when Pastor Chris asked me if there was anything else and I heard in my spirit that I needed to repent for the witchcraft that we had done together in the form of games. Let me just tell you, they are not games, the devil would like you think that they are games, but they are witchcraft and that is giving him a place in your life. Anyway, So I repented of playing Dungeons & Dragons, Magic: The Gathering and Everquest, an online roleplaying game (RPG).
Even though I went through all that I still didn't feel like there was a big break through. I felt a lot of freedom, but not a total breakthrough. Then it happened. Pastor Chris told me to start blessing Brian with every blessing I wanted for me. I started praying that God would bless him with salvation, with love, with peace. That he would break off the homosexual spirit from his family and heal his heart from his brother's early death. I prayed so many other things over him and as I was praying my heart began to fill up with this love for him that no wife has for a husband, it was a love much more pure then that. I felt like God was loving him through me and through the blessings I was praying over him and it was at that point every thing that I was holding against him had broken off and I felt like God had reached in and healed this huge bowling ball sized hole in my heart. It was amazing. I felt joyful, excited and ready to praise the Lord for all He has done!!