This is by Deborah Monson (maiden name: Cassandra Kennedy)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Worshipping the mirror

Sunday we had amazing church service. It was unlike most church services because Pastor Chris didn't preach, much. He showed a piece of what's going on in Kansas City at IHOP (International House of Prayer) called the awakening. There's been revival breaking out there, people getting set free from bitterness, unforgiveness, sin, people getting healed and restored. If you want, you can watch live or look up archives:

Alan, a teacher/preacher at IHOP was sharing how the awakening started on the clip Pastor Chris played at church on Sunday. It started with the revelation that we have been worshiping demonic alters at our mirrors! They said that we stand in front of our mirrors and listen to the voice in our head, that sounds like us that says, you are too fat, too skinny, too ugly, too short, too tall, you need to change this, you need to work out, your eyes are too small, too close together, too far apart. All these things we hear every day and we affirm them all day as we embody them and agree with them. These are not things that God says about us, but we choose to believe them anyway. We choose to believe them instead of what God says about us and when we agree with the liar we allow him to torment us. We live tormented by eating disorders, cutting ourselves, and the need to look like the model that hates herself and shoots heroin everyday to make the pain go away.

God tells us that we are lovely, we are wonderfully made. That He didn't make any mistakes when he created us. But because we are believing all these things about ourselves and we don't believe God, we are not being healed of our physical infirmities because we hate our body! We hate our bodies that we are asking God to fix. We want healing from colds, the flu, cancer, heart problems, diabetes, but we are cursing ourselves and allowing these inflictions to be in our bodies.

After this there was an outpouring of repentance and brokenness in KC in the students and healings started, restoration started. Many people's lives have been changed. So on Sunday God brought me to my knees and I started weeping because of the hatred I have felt towards myself and how I felt rejected as a little child. I remember my mother telling me when I was a little girl that she had me because she thought that it would save her marriage. When I was three my parents got divorced and I started believing the lie that I didn't work, that I was born to save my parents marriage and I was a failure. I felt from the very core of my soul that I wasn't worth anything, that I was a failure, that I was a mistake. During my weeping, my husband started praying over me and I felt this cloud of oppression start to lift off of me and I saw this vision in my spirit of the Lord wanting me to be a crown for His glory and it filled my heart with His love and acceptance. It was truly amazing!!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Getting Brian out.

God is so faithful, even when I think He is not going to be. This past Friday I had a counseling session with Pastor Chris and Wanda Daniel, Pastor Nathan's wife. I was hoping it would be good, but fearful that nothing would happen and God wouldn't show up. At the beginning of every counseling session we pray and invite the Holy Spirit to come and be the Counselor and to show us what we need to work on and what God wants to bring up. So as soon as we started to pray, I started to think those familiar thoughts like, God isn't going to show me anything, I'm not going to hear from Him, we're wasting our time. Then I heard one word... Brian. Immediately, I felt all hot inside and I was like NO WAY! (Now most people don't know who Brian is, he is my ex-husband. We were married for about 6 months in 2001.)

Knowing that I never think about this guy and that only God could have brought him to my mind, I kind of started laughing and Pastor Chris said, what? So I said that I felt like God wanted me to work on Brian but I really didn't want to. At that point Wanda started to encourage me, that we were already here and that they didn't think I was stupid, since that was one of the fears that I voiced. In a previous counseling session, Pastor Chris had told me that the little girl inside me that I won't let come out because I'm too afraid of being hurt will want to be set free and sometimes in my head when I see myself doing stuff that I know is going to make me feel better, but I'm too scared to do it, like scream into a pillow or cry my heart out, that I just need to do it anyway so I can set that little girl free in my heart. So this was difficult because I felt like beating him up because I felt so hurt and broken but I did not want to do that in front of anyone. After some encouragement, I felt like I could and Pastor Chris went to get a chair for Wanda to sit in so I could beat up on the couch, but I thought he got it for me because I was just imagining in my head standing up and hitting him with a pillow (a throw pillow from the couch) over and over again.

I stood up and I was nervous at first, but as soon as I let go and started screaming and hitting imaginary Brian in the chair with a pillow as hard as I could I kept on going. I screamed and I hit until I had no more energy left. Then I fell down on my knees and Wanda put my head on her lap and patted my head while I just sobbed and sobbed, getting all the hurt and pain out. The Pastor Chris had me "talk to" Brian and tell him all the stuff that I had been holding against him, all the ways I felt hurt by him and anything I was holding onto in my heart. This lasted awhile and a lot of stuff came up. I felt like I got most stuff out.

I sat back up on the couch and Pastor Chris asked me if I was ready to forgive Brian from my heart and I said no because I felt like there was still something down in there but I didn't know what it was. So Pastor Chris started praying and that's when I felt a demon starting to manifest. It was crazy because it wasn't like the other day when I couldn't really remember most of what was going on, I had some control over myself, which was nice. Pastor Chris asked what it's name or nature was and it started laughing, so he asked again and it said I'm not telling. I started praying. Then part of me tried to lunge at Pastor Chris and scratch him and the part of me I could control held me back and kept my bum glued to the couch as Pastor Chris kept asking what it's name was. Finally it said "worship of Brian". Then Pastor Chris asked how it came in and it said that when because Brian was the one to show me that Mormonism wasn't true, after I had been Mormon for so long, I started to worship him as my savior without knowing it.

This truth floored me and it made so much sense to me. We prayed and I got set free from that demon. Then Pastor Chris lead me to forgive him and I felt like I had forgiven him a lot, but not all the way and I was wondering if I ever could forgive him all the way, when Pastor Chris asked me if there was anything else and I heard in my spirit that I needed to repent for the witchcraft that we had done together in the form of games. Let me just tell you, they are not games, the devil would like you think that they are games, but they are witchcraft and that is giving him a place in your life. Anyway, So I repented of playing Dungeons & Dragons, Magic: The Gathering and Everquest, an online roleplaying game (RPG).

Even though I went through all that I still didn't feel like there was a big break through. I felt a lot of freedom, but not a total breakthrough. Then it happened. Pastor Chris told me to start blessing Brian with every blessing I wanted for me. I started praying that God would bless him with salvation, with love, with peace. That he would break off the homosexual spirit from his family and heal his heart from his brother's early death. I prayed so many other things over him and as I was praying my heart began to fill up with this love for him that no wife has for a husband, it was a love much more pure then that. I felt like God was loving him through me and through the blessings I was praying over him and it was at that point every thing that I was holding against him had broken off and I felt like God had reached in and healed this huge bowling ball sized hole in my heart. It was amazing. I felt joyful, excited and ready to praise the Lord for all He has done!!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

January 17th, Sunday evening ~ Evelyn

I'm going to hopefully post as God moves in my life so I don't forget details. In church on Sunday, Pastor Chris had Aaron Peterson share his personal testimony and after he had me share about Friday night. Well that evening, after my baby girl went to bed, God started breaking my heart over the way I have been treating her. I know that I haven't been the best mom ever and I also know I tend to be really hard on myself, but this time when God was showing me stuff, it was different then when I beat myself up because it was gentle and He showed me the pain and potential scarring, if I don't repent, it could have.

I think the reason I could hear God's voice in this area was because He freed me from the Rage I had been operating under. So He showed me how that day I was mean to her, not necessarily outright, but definitely in my head and heart. I was just feeling annoyed that she was there and frustrated that she wasn't acting like a 12 year old, like I was expecting her to. After God started to break my heart over this I tried to get in her bed and cuddle with her and wake her up so I could ask for forgiveness, but she wouldn't wake up.

The next morning after she woke up and woke up, she's not quite a morning person, I told her, Evelyn, mommy's sorry she's been mean to you. And do you know what she said? Now this instance was from a couple weeks ago, NOT the day before, she said mommy you said shut up and you yelled at me. I didn't know her little heart had been carrying that around and I was even more broken. I started crying and I told her I was so sorry and asked her to forgive me and she giggled and said she forgave me. I love her!

January 15th, Friday ALL DAY

Friday started off with quite a struggle and ended in adoration for my Lord and Savior! On Friday mornings at 10am I meat with Pastor Chris Leeper and Ms. Debbie E. to discuss logistical work that needs to be done for the church. At the end of the meeting I told P. Chris about a conversation I was having with one of our friends who I had been judging and I had told her that I had a hard time wanting to get close to her because she seemed closed off. In return she told me that she didn't feel like she could open up to me because I was too blunt and hurt her feelings easily. At this point I didn't expect P. Chris to interject anything because I was merely relating what I thought was headway into our relationship, but he looked at me and said, 'you are not a safe place.'

When he said that I immediately looked down, I couldn't bring myself to look at him or talk to him. I felt so hurt so quickly that I wasn't sure what happened. I packed up my kids over the next few minutes, escaping P. Chris and Debbie. P. Chris asked me if I wanted to talk about how I was feeling and what I was thinking and with only a head nod 'no', I was out of the building, running down the street pushing my stroller sobbing uncontrollably. Sweet little Evelyn was saying, 'mommy, what's wrong? Mommy, are you okay?' I told her I was okay, just sad because my feelings were hurt.

So I got home feeling so hurt, like I had been physically cut open. I didn't know how to deal with that intense level of pain and I wanted to start cutting myself. At this point I knew I wouldn't do it, I just had a desire to do it. I had heard about people cutting but I never understood how someone could feel that way until now. I called Ben, so he could pray for me because I knew that this wasn't a good place to be in. After talking for a little while I got off the phone, not really feeling any better emotionally, but I did not feel like hurting myself anymore. The rest of the afternoon I spent trying to process my emotions. I tried to self-soothe by taking a hot bath, but that didn't make me feel any better. I tried watching TV, which if you know me, I rarely watch TV and I don't like to let my kids watch TV unless we're all watching together or I'm 9 months pregnant! So I thought I'd have some chocolate, which didn't help either.

Deciding that I couldn't heal myself, I just started crying again, feeling the agony in my heart. I called my friend and spiritual mother, Linda Bell. She was really encouraging and I felt a little uplifted, but still really crappy. Then Ben came home and we talked for a little while. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him awful, that I just felt so hurt and couldn't understand it. He went into our room to walk the baby around and Evelyn had lots to tell him, so I took the opportunity to go into the livingroom and journal my feelings. Well God met me there. As I started writing, God showed me that the intense feeling that I had inside me was brokenness over my sin of not being a safe place for other people. This reality was so intense I leaped up and just started worshiping God immediately! After feeling this I was amazed at the fact that I had never felt this way over my sin before, ever! I know I have hurt people and in my head I felt some kind of bad about it, I have even felt repentence on some level, but NOTHING like this.

This mourning over my sin was so ground breaking for me that I had to go to prayer night at our church (it's every Friday @ 7pm at GFC 450 N. Pierce St. El Cajon) to talk to Pastor Chris to tell him what happened that day because, well I hadn't talked to him since he told me I was not safe and I knew that God wanted to use this. When I got there I told him and he rejoiced with me and had me share with the meeting. After I shared, Kevin, who was leading the worship, asked me to pray that God would pour out a brokenness of sin over everyone there. WOW, I started praying and God just showed me His heart for His people to be broken and contrite in front of Him and how precious He sees that, so now Lord, I'm just asking, more God! Give us more! More of Your manifest presence and more Your power over our sin, more brokenness at Your feet. God we want more of You!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Jan 13th 2010, Wednesday Homegroup

So I was having a pretty miserable day and I certainly did not feel like going to homegroup this particular Wednesday, but I knew if I didn't go Ben would and I wouldn't get to see him much that day. Plus Evelyn loves going and I figured I could hide in Charity's room. So when we got there I said some quick hellos to a couple people, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone that I thought would see right through my fake smile and casual hellos and I ducked down the hall into Charity's room, where I found Charity and Katie S. engaged in conversation. They said I could come in, so I crashed face down on the bed and cried for awhile just listening to their conversation and feeling sorry for myself. I had become very good at throwing pity parties in my head and today was no exception. Beating myself up actually made me feel "kind of good", but not really. Anyway, their conversation started to get interesting so I added the two cents they didn't ask for but they were sweet and accepted me into their talk, but then they wanted to more closer to me and I just started feeling angry. I told them not to come too close or hug me because I would be sure to wrestle them and they obliged.

After sharing for awhile on all sides, I heard what I thought was my baby crying and I left for what I thought was going to be only a moment to check on him. When I got to the foyer I found a happy baby and Pastor Chris Leeper standing in the front living room. At that point I thought, 'I better turn around right now' but it was too late, Pastor Chris already saw me. So he looked at me and asked me how I was doing and I said I was struggling. He said where were you? and I told him I was in Charity's room and I was about to go back, I was just checking on Benjamin. Then he looked at me and told me I needed to go into the living room where Pastor Nathan Daniel was teaching. At that point I heard in my head, 'I'm a big one and I'm not coming out.' and I thought nope I'm not going in there. So Pastor Chris put his hand on my back to guide me into the other room and I stopped and said, "I'm going to go back to Charity's room" and he asked me why and I told him it was safe in there. Then he just looked at me and I knew, although I already really knew, that I needed to go into the other room.

When I got into the living room, it was pretty packed but my sweet hubby had a chair open, just waiting for me. Everyone had a packet of papers stapled together on their laps, reading along scriptures that Pastor Nathan had handed out to go along with his teaching. He is going to help us minister to the people who are going to be coming to a seminar he is set to teach about the deliverance of John Doe. Well, things were in full swing, so I snuck quietly around some friends and sat down next to Ben. This is where things started to get intense. I started feeling these weird urges and seeing little video images of myself in my mind screaming, tearing up the papers I now had in my hand and peeing all over myself. That's right I couldn't stop thinking about peeing on myself.

I started feeling really weirded out, however the strangest part was that I knew if I didn't say something or run out of the room immediately I would just start doing all these weird things I saw going on in my head, and let me tell you, the thought of peeing on myself in front of at least 15 people was not exciting. So being the quiet church mouse I tend to never be, ha ha ha, I raised my hand at the next semi-pause in Pastor Nathan's teaching and said, "Excuse me, but I'm having some really weird thoughts like I keep thinking of peeing all over myself and it's kind of freaking me out." So Pastor Nathan pulled his chair up to me and in true teaching style started using this moment to teach everyone around me about demonic influence. I thought to myself, I am THAT person, kind of excited but mostly nervous. Then Pastor Nathan told me to ask the demon what it's name was, so trusting him, I closed my eyes and said, 'what is your name?' and immediately I heard what sounded like my own voice in my head say, 'Rage'. Then Pastor Nathan told me to ask it what right it had to be here (what was it's foothold, opportunity or place, see Ephesians 4:17-27), so I did and it said, still inside my head, that I condemned my father for being angry all the time and yelling at us (kids). So Pastor Nathan started to lead me into forgiveness for holding this against my father, but as soon as I started to speak my tongue started to feel heavy and I couldn't make myself speak. When P. Nathan saw this he started to bind the spirit (Matt 16:19) but it seemed to get really angry, which we call manifesting, because I remember starting to rub my face in a weird way, which started getting harder and harder, but the rubbing turned to intense scratching and as Pastor Nathan, Pastor Chris and Ben among others were praying over me I felt myself recede while I felt something else take over and I don't really remember all that happened next except that I know I yelled that sounded more like a yell growl that I felt come up from the bottom of my feet and resonate through my entire body which was so forceful that my throat hurt for days.

Apparently I lunged forward and it took three people to put me on the ground. The next thing I remember was "waking up" on the ground with my left arm shaking and I was thinking to myself, I'm in shock, this is what shock feels like. Pastor Nathan was talking at this point but I don't remember anything he was saying, because like I said, I was in shock. Someone put a band-aid on one of the bleeding scratch marks on my forehead and someone else gave me a tissue because I was bleeding out my nose and it was starting to get on Charity's pretty white carpet. Pastor Nathan was talking, but at the same time I felt like I couldn't control my left arm, it was still shaking but it got so violent that it was hurting my wrist and I couldn't stop moving it. I cried out to make it stop because it hurt so Jessie D. started holding it down and Pastor Nathan bound what was on my wrist and prayed peace over it and it went still immediately. That was so cool.

At some point through this although I'm unclear to exactly when, P. Nathan lead me through forgiving my father for being so angry and breaking off the vow I had made in my heart to not be like him. It's okay to not want to be like that but I vowed not to be like him instead of declaring his ways unrighteous and deciding to follow Christ's ways instead.

The best part of this was after the demon came out, which is did, people started praying for me and asking God to have His truth go down in to my inward parts, to fill my heart and my mind. Some people I heard were praying for peace. Inside I was thinking, I'm glad that demon came out but I don't feel any different inside then I did before, I'm still upset, but then all of a sudden I heard the voice of the little girl in me say, 'God is real' and I was blown away, because not only did I not realize that I didn't really believe that until now, but I really believe it now and I just started laughing and laughing at how awesome that truth was. The last thing I thought was, now that was worth going through to hear this. God is REAL and needless to say I don't feel like wrestling Charity and Katie anymore.

My preface :)

I mainly decided to do this as a blog for an online journal, however while I was thinking about it, I figured if I share this it may have a profound impact on someone else. These are my testimonies about what God is doing and I am just a mere recipient. Or you could just read it to walk through life with me. However if something "strikes a chord" with you and makes you feel weird, search it out in the scriptures and ask God for He has sent His mighty Counselor to His bride, the church, to lead us into all truth.